Writing 101: Serially lost Part One
Feldspar Centipede was late for his wedding, he took too long lacing his shoes. He spent hours playing ‘this little piggy’ with his fiancée Ochre. She possessed lovely sets of legs. Feldspar loved her despite the bouts of athlete’s foot. He didn’t mind she was a Sentrypede, who guarded the trains of thought he ought not think, before their virtuous wedding.
Coral the pig was the wedding driver. But everyone called her Pork Chop. She’s an expert in Karate and getaway driver for the Ham-burglar. Coral isn’t Einswine, but for a pig she’s smart. She found a new use for the pig-pen and squealed with delight when she discovered she could write. She wrote the vows for Feldspar and Ochre, and excels at penning pig-tales.
The Groom’s wedding car was a dual-cab utility without air-conditioning. The desert blazed so hot, you could fry an egg, then watch it melt into the asphalt. The singeing hairs of her trotters on the steering wheel and pedals didn’t stop Coral being a road hog!
Auburn Snake is a civil serpent, Feldspar’s best man and a real back seat viper. He rattled on about Hiss-story shedding words like he swallowed an encyclopaedia. But in the hoggish pit of his stomach he devoured thoughts of Coral. A pig in a desert, soon you’ll be Bacon in my belly! Auburn Snake thinks his jokes are Hissterical, but he hasn’t seen himself dance the Mamba.
Auburn interrupted his sentence slither with, ‘If we don’t make this wedding I’ll get my Diamond-back’ (He’d bank-rolled Feldspar for the engagement ring.)
Pork-Chop Coral has little time for snakes after Anna-conned-her. Muddled and flustered, Coral road-skidded barely missing a camooflaged astronaut cow named Olive. Olive professed to be tired from jumping over the moon, to escape lawn moo-er duties and re-buff for being Crossbow-vine. Olive shared her pasture with a selfish sheep who put her in a baaaad mooood. It was so hot they fired her for beast-owing evaporated milk.
Olive raised a hoof, shook it. No milk-shake developed. The farmer had milked her dry. So hitchhike she did, no udder way existed, and Olive was no cow-ard. Coral thought Olive could use a piggyback, and stopped the
Coral thought Olive could use a piggyback, and stopped the ute to let Olive moo-ove in the back. Plus Coral needed to put on her gloves, socks and boots, so she wouldn’t be bakin’ her little piggy feet. Auburn Snake did not want to add-her, but Coral was pigheaded. She didn’t like to be pigeonholed, but her empathy knew no bounds.
‘We’ve got a wedding to get to!’ Auburn sibilated.
Auburn Snake pondering pigs in a blanket, tenderised his thoughts when Olive Cow chucked her rump onto the Ute’s tray-back. Olive has the prettiest rib-eye ever saw… Auburn Snake dreamed of blade and medallions and shimmered his silver-side. But Coral became disgruntled.
‘Everyone out, we’re here!’
And then the most amazing sight we’ve ever seen. A centipede in high heels! Ochre Centipede attempted to leave the stretch limo, one foot at a time! This might take all night! Pork-chop Coral and Olive Cow helped her out. Auburn Snake groomed Feldspar Centipede away without him seeing his clumsy bride slip and slide. Ochre gashed her foot, but Coral brought plenty of oinkment.
Olive Cow tried to chew the cud, ‘Have you ever seen the rain?’
Ochre wriggled her feather tail saying, ‘Are you insane? To mention rain at a pastor-al wedding. What if Axle Rose is listening? We don’t want November Rain to march today.’
Olive cowered, ‘oh what a hide I have, I didn’t mean to hind-er the ceremoony.’
‘No, we’ve never seen a drop of Stormy Weather’, said Pork-Chop Coral.
It didn’t rain, the guests drank until they were ‘legless’, quite a feet for the centipedes. Felspar pranced the Courtship dance, and then they stung everybody.
The wiry hell emblazoned overhead was the last thing we saw on Earth. A flash later the clouds burst into a rain-chorus storm. Centipede soup anyone?
P.S. A guest survived, but he was ‘legless’ when he got there. Sick of serving as Feldspar’s gopher, Auburn snaked off early to another story.
For more humour go to Weekend of Funny
To read part two click above. 🙂