Writing 101: Serially lost Part One
Feldspar Centipede was late for his wedding, he took too long lacing his shoes. He spent hours playing ‘this little piggy’ with his fiancée Ochre. She possessed lovely sets of legs. Feldspar loved her despite the bouts of athlete’s foot. He didn’t mind she was a Sentrypede, who guarded the trains of thought he ought not think, before their virtuous wedding.
Coral the pig was the wedding driver. But everyone called her Pork Chop. She’s an expert in Karate and getaway driver for the Ham-burglar. Coral isn’t Einswine, but for a pig she’s smart. She found a new use for the pig-pen and squealed with delight when she discovered she could write. She wrote the vows for Feldspar and Ochre, and excels at penning pig-tales.
The Groom’s wedding car was a dual-cab utility without air-conditioning. The desert blazed so hot, you could fry an egg, then watch it melt into the asphalt. The singeing hairs of her trotters on the steering wheel and pedals didn’t stop Coral being a road hog!
Auburn Snake is a civil serpent, Feldspar’s best man and a real back seat viper. He rattled on about Hiss-story shedding words like he swallowed an encyclopaedia. But in the hoggish pit of his stomach he devoured thoughts of Coral. A pig in a desert, soon you’ll be Bacon in my belly! Auburn Snake thinks his jokes are Hissterical, but he hasn’t seen himself dance the Mamba.
Auburn interrupted his sentence slither with, ‘If we don’t make this wedding I’ll get my Diamond-back’ (He’d bank-rolled Feldspar for the engagement ring.)
Pork-Chop Coral has little time for snakes after Anna-conned-her. Muddled and flustered, Coral road-skidded barely missing a camooflaged astronaut cow named Olive. Olive professed to be tired from jumping over the moon, to escape lawn moo-er duties and re-buff for being Crossbow-vine. Olive shared her pasture with a selfish sheep who put her in a baaaad mooood. It was so hot they fired her for beast-owing evaporated milk.
Olive raised a hoof, shook it. No milk-shake developed. The farmer had milked her dry. So hitchhike she did, no udder way existed, and Olive was no cow-ard. Coral thought Olive could use a piggyback, and stopped the
Coral thought Olive could use a piggyback, and stopped the ute to let Olive moo-ove in the back. Plus Coral needed to put on her gloves, socks and boots, so she wouldn’t be bakin’ her little piggy feet. Auburn Snake did not want to add-her, but Coral was pigheaded. She didn’t like to be pigeonholed, but her empathy knew no bounds.
‘We’ve got a wedding to get to!’ Auburn sibilated.
Auburn Snake pondering pigs in a blanket, tenderised his thoughts when Olive Cow chucked her rump onto the Ute’s tray-back. Olive has the prettiest rib-eye ever saw… Auburn Snake dreamed of blade and medallions and shimmered his silver-side. But Coral became disgruntled.
‘Everyone out, we’re here!’
And then the most amazing sight we’ve ever seen. A centipede in high heels! Ochre Centipede attempted to leave the stretch limo, one foot at a time! This might take all night! Pork-chop Coral and Olive Cow helped her out. Auburn Snake groomed Feldspar Centipede away without him seeing his clumsy bride slip and slide. Ochre gashed her foot, but Coral brought plenty of oinkment.
Olive Cow tried to chew the cud, ‘Have you ever seen the rain?’
Ochre wriggled her feather tail saying, ‘Are you insane? To mention rain at a pastor-al wedding. What if Axle Rose is listening? We don’t want November Rain to march today.’
Olive cowered, ‘oh what a hide I have, I didn’t mean to hind-er the ceremoony.’
‘No, we’ve never seen a drop of Stormy Weather’, said Pork-Chop Coral.
It didn’t rain, the guests drank until they were ‘legless’, quite a feet for the centipedes. Felspar pranced the Courtship dance, and then they stung everybody.
The wiry hell emblazoned overhead was the last thing we saw on Earth. A flash later the clouds burst into a rain-chorus storm. Centipede soup anyone?
P.S. A guest survived, but he was ‘legless’ when he got there. Sick of serving as Feldspar’s gopher, Auburn snaked off early to another story.
For more humour go to Weekend of Funny
To read part two click above. 🙂
I’m laughing. Love your play on words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Pam.
LikeLike
Very clever and funny 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much Russ 🙂
LikeLike
Delightful cast of characters. I love your imagination and use of words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad you liked it. I always look forward to your comments.
LikeLike
Sssseems like the sssentipedes made everyone sssorry at the end of this pig’s tail. Did they sssting Auburn Snake as well? This story trotted along nic-sssly building to a sssizzling fry-up of bacon and eggs in the end. A moo-vellous curly tail of a side-winding wedding day. It’s a wonder the pigs didn’t fly away. (Hey – that rhymes!) Won’t be long before this story will be heard on the grape vine.
People get so bored looking out their back door. 😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bit of a Credence fan I see, and a lot of a Pun-guru. (cousins of Can-gurus except they Can bounce off Puns with the best of them) It’s so fun reading your comments. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Myssstery of Auburn Sssnake has been sssolved
LikeLiked by 1 person
And now Auburn isss ssslithering back into the grasss … to lie sssleeping and waiting for hisss next fang-tastic tail. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup, look out he’sss on hisss way. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
sssneaking up again, eh? sssoundlessly, too, I sssuppose. 🙂 The ssharp-toothed ssssilent one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sssuper sssneaky sssnake will be back sssoon for part two 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
ssso looking forward to the return of the fasssinating sssilent asssasssin…
LikeLiked by 1 person
What an absolute delight. I love it – some pure magic in there too…’road hog’, ‘back seat viper’ and little gems like ‘shedding words’; hilarious! Thanks so much for contributing 🙂 There were so many puns in there I may have to lie down! You excel at this kind of word play.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Mel. Sometimes I can’t help myself. I think I wore my brain out (not out to dinner or anything) 🙂
LikeLike
Ha! You must have funny in your bones! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just my elbows.
LikeLike
😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Featured Fiction and commented:
Don’t miss this hilarious piece by Love Happy Notes. You can tell you’re in for a treat from the very first line 🙂 Enjoy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Melissa. 🙂
LikeLike
Some amazing characters here. I love the word play too. My favs is the snake and the cow. They had the best puns, I think. Congrats!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks DragonSpark it’s fun writing Silliness. 😀
LikeLike
This was awesome and so clever! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much Mishka 😀
LikeLike
That Axel Rose line was a hoot!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Tina, I hope there aren’t any owls listening they might tell him too 😮 😀
LikeLike
I’m terrified of centipedes but somehow, despite all the legs, this did not make me cow-er. Ok, that’s all I’ve got but I really enjoyed this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Centipedes and nakes both ssscare me, Silverleaf. I’m so happy you enjoyed it. Thanks so much.
LikeLike
The “this little piggy game” potential sounds endless. A fun read, and refreshing to find on the grid this week too! Really enjoyed 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for your kind words. Yes it would be a rather long game! 🙂
LikeLike
You are a genius! The wordplay is fabulous. An all-around enjoyable read.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for your kind words.
LikeLike
So pun! Loved the wordplay.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jennifer. 😀 It was fun writing it.
LikeLike
This was so whimsical and fun! I loved it. I bet you did have a blast writing this. So nice to read something amusing and happy for a change. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Kathy. It was fun to write. 🙂
LikeLike
So clever. All that word play and a cast of wonderfully drawn characters. I think maybe there’s more going on between Auburn and Coral than first meets the eyes. Is their mutual antagonism a front for something deeper? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Sarah Ann. You could be right about Auburn and Coral.
LikeLike
What a fantastic play on words! and I love the mention of the Hamburglar! The way it read was very rhythmic, too. Very well played!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Renada 🙂
LikeLike
Holy wow! That must have taken forever to write – way to exercise those creative muscles!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you.
LikeLike
I definitely think centipedes should be centre stage more often – they’re so bizarre that they feel like fantasy creatures, yet they’re real. Crazy! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, I agree. They are very strange indeed.
LikeLike
Thanks for the reminder that writing can be silly and fun. it’s good to have Auburn and Coral and Ochre to put things in perspective. PS I bet you were cracking yourself up writing this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much. Yes, I was laughing myself silly. Silliness is underrated. 😀
LikeLike
Punny!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much Meg.
LikeLike
The oink-ment was cute. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. 😀
LikeLike
So clever! How do you do that? I’m still chuckling and can’t wait to meet Auburn again. Nasty thing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Kathryn, it is fun writing like that. I wonder what Auburn will get up to next… 😀
LikeLike
Usually don’t like phone lines, but you made it a still life! And a great story – you’re bursting with creativity:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jesh 🙂
LikeLike
Very funny, best regards from Belgium
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Louisette. Hi from Australia!
LikeLike
I love your whimsical tale, and the image of the cloud is wonderful!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much Judy! 🙂
LikeLike
Your story runneth over with imagination. I would be laughing my heinie off while writing this (not that I could), but I’m very happy laughing while reading it. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was laughing a lot. Thanks for your kind comment. I’m so glad it made you smile. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You do have a marvellous wit and imagination!!! Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your kind encouraging words. 😀
LikeLike
Loved it – amazing characters
LikeLike
Thank you so much Jenni!
LikeLike
Super fun!
LikeLike
Thank you. I’m glad you liked it. 🙂
LikeLike