Kenneth my ‘new’ classic car, rode like the wind; gusted, stalled, wafted, flurried, but was a genuine Zephyr: Kitted out like a Knight-rider, on his way to an all-knight-Diner. To say he was two tyred would only be half as tired as he felt.
I’d bought Kenneth from Nigel, an impoverished virgin Vampyr, who couldn’t cut the mustard; he just wasn’t seasoned enough. He’d been a dentist who always looked down in the mouth. A caretaker of unusual teeth; The tooth fairy and friends, pixies, ogres and beings with low elf-esteem.
I happened upon him stalking a chicken crossing the road (by gerbiling inside a monowheel). Nigel called it poultry in motion. Looked more like Hamster wheel globetrotting to Hamsterdam. The chicken rolled in the mud and crossed the road again. I knew she was a dirty double-crosser!
Whoever heard of a pennyless vampire? Nigel was so poor he couldn’t even pay attention. He was in debt, and he just couldn’t budge it. Plus, he was ‘hunting’ a Were-chicken on a full moon; one mad as a Cuckoo-Cluck! ‘Scarce as hen’s teeth’ was now a Fangtasy. And ‘The Flapdoodle’ would be out on Patrol tonight…
I had to warn Nigel. He thought she was a free range Chick, but he was about to be henpecked. It was a fowl Fry-day, and bird-dogging her was chicken feed. But talk is ‘Cheep’ where chickens tweet. Would her four-leaf clover deliver the cluck of the Irish? Road centre, in her chewing-gum-boots, she laid it on the line. Shook her tail-feather though they weren’t ruffled at all. She strutted around like a banty rooster, cocksure and ready to rule the roost. Would Nigel chicken out?
Kenneth the Zephyr was breezing. All we needed was a wet chinook to drop a hand green-egg on the Were-chook. But the eggs-ploding Caesar wouldn’t lettuce be. Was the Werechick was all she was cracked up to be?
Nigel was praying he wasn’t the prey of his prey. That he wouldn’t get bitten, or shredded to coleslaw. But she’d built a nest in his addled beered, egghead. He’d practiced saying, ‘this won’t hurt a byte’. Nigel was Professor of Geekology and King of the Toothsome Worriers, but that was in his afore gone life.
As the day retired with a gold watch of the sun. We tried to commune with Nigel’s thoughts, but were we hippy-nuff? Nigel tried to keep an open mind, but worried his brain might fall out.
We brooded like mother hens and listened to Chickenfoot thump their rock. Kenneth was an Alpha as far as Zephyrs go. His Hero complex was more complex than locating a magnetic monopole, unattached from an Ice-block stick, or minus a Gogo dancer.
The Moon may be full, but we were hungry. The Luna-chick was about to eclipse our Play. Nigel stepped forth into the Chook’s orbit. Whoever is right, will be the only one left.
Kenneth sighed, if only we had Engine-ears; we could hear and oversee. Suddenly, we saw two goldfish in a tank, but neither knew how to drive it. The din of the balderdash woke a Bull-dozer up. His itch-hiking fleas jumped to a garbage truck; the one that has wheels, and flies. There was only one thing left to do: Let the windscreen Vipers out.
Just as a dastardly demolition derby deigned its declaration… He appeared: the Flapdoodle, King of all of us. With nary a sound, the Flapdoodle stopped traffic swifter than a lollipop lass in a Candy-apple-flavoured bikini. His heartfelt gesture turned us all to mush, literally. It snowed! The delighted humans played and gushed.
Kenneth’s white-wall tyres swerved. It wasn’t raining cats and dogs, it was hailing taxis! The Flapdoodle stood firm. Nigel’s legs turned to jelly, with ice-cream, wafers and chocolate sauce.
The Werechicken Little’s feet were clawing and Puffin her retreat. She took a Tern to see Gull ability wasn’t an option, none would swallow that. No longer a roadrunner, winging it before her goose was cooked, she up and flew the coop!
Nigel’s mouth agape, fang-dangling, expectorating, suckling bloodless expectations whelped, ‘I suck!’
‘You wish’ I thought. There was one thing I knew for sure.
THE FLAPDOODLE RULES!
This is no fanging fun. Come on Nigel, off to the blood store. Vamping’s not what it used to be.
I’m cackling so much I think I might lay an egg. What a crack-up! Hope the Were-chook doesn’t end up in the soup. She’s probably going to the beach tomorrow to roast in the sun. Wonder if she’s meeting up with the baked potatoes. 🙂
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Your so funny. I’m so glad you liked it. 😀 Sun roasted Were-chook and Baked potatoes- sounds good. 🙂
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Hi there just surfed in through the signs meme and have to say this is the most fun post I’ve come across in a while 🙂 Cheers!
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Thanks Sue. It was a hoot writing it. 🙂
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The weirdest, wackiest story ever! Absolutely love it. There were so many puns in there it made my head spin – genius 🙂
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Thank you Melissa. I’m glad you liked it. It is rather strange I suspect. 😀
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Strange in a totally good way 🙂 The imagery conjured from the piece is hilarious! Thanks again. Mel.
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I’m so glad you got a some giggles. 😀 Thanks for your kind words.
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Beautifully punny.
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Fangs very much. 🙂 You made me laugh.
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You made me laugh, as well. My recreational drug of choice is punnery. Too bad it’s so addictive with some nasty side-splitting effects.
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It is punderful though 🙂
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Your yoke is eggzackly what I needed at the crack of day.
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Even when my yolks are scrambled, I’m so glad you see them as sunny side up. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Writing Room 101 and commented:
Weird and Whacky…check; Funny…check; Entertaining…check. You get the picture! A Wednesday treat 🙂
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😀 Thanks
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Love it!!
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Thanks so much! 😀
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How fun is this?? lol love!
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Thanks so much Jen. I was giggle-writing. 🙂
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Hahaha! “Poultry in motion” – brilliant! Thanks for a great and very humorous read!
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Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
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Well, pluck my feathers. I’m speechless.
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Ha Ha Thanks 😀
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You are definitely, as you wrote, “a relaxation affirmation transformation sensation, worthy of a standing ovation!”
I couldn’t believe the fun I was having while reading this post, and I can’t wait to read it again and more of your creative, mind boggling humor!
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Wow.Thank you so much for your generous praise. Love your writing too. 😀
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This is very clever…brilliantly written! And downright funny too.
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Thanks so much C.C
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Loved the wordplay in this.
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Thanks Marcy.
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Ah genius! Good laugh early in the morning, love it!
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Thanks 🙂
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Ha! This was a fun read.
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Thanks! 😀
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Pun after Pun after Pun, wheely punny!
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I got caught in silliness quicksand. 😀
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Is it weird that I’m hungry after reading this?
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I think I was hungry when I wrote it. There are a lot of food references in there.
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Told with such verve and delirious inventiveness 🙂
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Verve and delirious inventiveness, I love that! Thanks. 🙂
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Well done! I needed a good chuckle this morning
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Thank you. I’m always happy to assist a good chuckle. 😀
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You’re quite the punster. I need to reread this, there is so much fun verbiage in this. Reminds me, my tyres are tired. I need new ones.
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Thanks Pam, I’d like to start a band of Pun-gurus. Jumping happy Punster penners and Pungarees. Let’s hope the Can-gurus (kangaroos?) think it’s furry punny and agree. Sorry your tread is wheely tired.
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Well, now I’m vamped for the rest of the day…fun post♪
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Thanks! 🙂
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such a fun,fun read!!
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Fangs for the kind words.
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great looking car. And very funny post. {:-Deb
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Thanks Deb.
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That’s brilliant. I don’t know how you managed to keep it up all the way through. Thanks for linking for Friday Fiction.
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Thanks Nicola, for your kind words. I’m not sure what came over me!
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This is truly a hoot. Glad you put the link on Writing Essentials or I’d never have seen it.
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Thanks Pam, I’m so glad you liked it.
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Loved it – from the title right on through – a very happy read!
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Thanks so much. 🙂
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it was fun. 🙂
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Thanks so much.
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Thanks for your affirmation on putting down my sweet Sadie. Appreciate you!
CD
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I’m so sorry to hear that. Sending much love.
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I can’t even begin to be as clever as you are!
What funny and fantastic word play!
I really appreciate the smile today!
Thanks for linking to the letter K!
A+
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Thanks for your wonderful, Kind words, Jenny. Always happy to see a smile. 😀
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I so enjoyed your story.Thanks for liking my post
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Thanks and your welcome. 🙂
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Great play on words well done enjoyed this story. I am old enough to remember the Zephyr driving around my streets.
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Thank you. I love older cars, they have so much character and beauty.
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